As the pregnancy went on and my daughter started to move I would love to put my hand on my wife's stomach. I would read to her and talk to her, I just couldn't quite get a grasp on the concept that I was going to be a dad.
I had accepted the fact that I would never have children, and cursed a God who would let someone they are supposed to love suffer. And yet here I was, about to be a dad. I think this is the first time that I started to pray or more like talk to God on a regular basis, feeling a little awkward and not knowing if there really was someone listening, I didn't tell anyone.
When it got to the point where I would walk in the room and my daughter would start to kick at the sound of my voice, I thought maybe someone was listening. That is all I kept praying for, my wife's and my daughter's health. I kept going to church most of the time, sitting on the sidelines being a "Pew Warmer". We would sit in the very back and I never paid close attention to the sermon, but I thought I was holding up my end of the deal I made with God, that all I had to do was get baptized and everything was good.
My wife tried to get us closer to the front every once in awhile, but she was just happy to get me in the church, so she never tried really hard. I had made a decision to get completely clean and made a Doctor Appointment right away, and when I got in to see him I told him I was concerned about addiction and if there was something else he could give me.
My pain was and is to this day still real, I just chose to deal with it in a different way. I think that for the first time in my life I could say I was actually happy and mean it. I also think this is where the spiritual part of my journey began, that maybe for the 2nd time, I chose the right way to go when I came to the fork in the road. God was somehow part of my life now, whether I liked it or not.