Thursday, May 3, 2012

Another Blow

About a month after my mother had passed all the siblings got there insurance money and we were supposed to all pay for my mother's funeral and burial. One of my sisters took her share and took off and left the three others to pay for everything which was a big thorn in our relationship.

 I used part of my share to take my wife on a honey moon. We took a ferry up to Victoria and stayed three days in a bed and breakfast. It was the first time that I can remember being on a trip somewhere. we had such a great time, it was like all of our troubles had just went away.

 When we got home though they were all still there. Our marriage was rocky at best, I was in and out of employment, wanting to go back to the streets where I knew how to make money. About every six months she would catch me smoking pot and each time was the last time and I promised I would quit smoking, but I didn't.

 After our first anniversary we decided to try and get pregnant. We both made doctors appointments for physicals and to get checked out, she had her appointment first and everything was great. I went to my appointment and everything was going good, just one more test. So they gave me a little cup and sent me to the bathroom with a Playboy. I did what I was supposed to do and was told to come back tomorrow for the results.

 So the next day we go back and the doctor tells me that I can't have children, he had looked at my medical record and told me that I had mumps when I was an infant and that had made me sterile. Today I think it was from all the drugs and chemicals that I had put into my body that caused it.

When we found out the news she was devastated and our marriage suffered. Whenever we went out with friends or hung out all the moms would get together and talk about their children and my wife felt so left out and got so tired of explaining why she wasn't pregnant.

 I took it as a blow to my masculinity, I was somehow less of a man. I once again turned to my pot smoking as a way out, a fake happiness that was getting harder and harder to get. I remember once again that little church on the side of the road where those people told me that God loved me, and thinking yeah, if God loved me I would hate to see what he did to people he didn't like. Mostly though, I just felt forgotten.

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